Hamlet the Higgs Boson and Ruby

THIS IS A TRUE STORY.

The events depicted, took place in Sardinia, Italy, 2010.

At the request of the Prime Minister, the names have not been changed.

Out of respect for the Ruby the Heart Stealer, the rest has been told exactly as it occurred.

Hamlet discovered the first Higgs boson years before CERN, under the bed of his cottage in Whitstable, Kent.  He kept it in a Pez candy dispenser.  (It’s common knowledge that Hamlet loves flaming shots of any liquor, but he has a drink too many now and again, and again.  Despite being a decorated Navy Seal, other sailors do not go out for drinks with him, not so much because of the excess, but he swears too much for them, which is a contradiction.)  One evening he was invited to a bunga bunga party at Silvio Berlsuconi’s mansion.  His date was Karima el-Mahroug.  She is dancing, and it’s late and Hamlet says, “Hey Ruby, how about we call it Splitsville?”  Silvio goes completely nuts, as he was hoping she would stay at the mansion with him.  Berlussconi cold punches Hamlet with a right to the head, and knocks him off the bar stool.  The Pez dispenser goes flying across the air, Ruby grabs it and opens it hoping for a Pez candy treat.  The Higgs boson, has zero spin, hence it has no flavor.  Ruby spits it out, and it lands in Hamlet’s drink, a Flaming Dr. Pepper, which is already on fire, and the boson burns up.  A fight ensues, and whether you’re the Prime Minister of Italy or not, you don’t mess with Hamlet, a Tai Chi master and a Navy Seal.  The very next thing you know, Ruby the Heart Stealer removes her…

Because children might read this, I cannot go into more detail.